Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
