he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
