I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
