I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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