He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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