I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
