im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
