I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
