the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
