Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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