a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
