Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
love makes seman taste better
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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