I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Randomize
