Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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