I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
