Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
