Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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