i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
