I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Your dad touched me again.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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