tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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