EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Couch. On fire.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
