Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
