highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
