i would punch a child for taco bell
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
