Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
