When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
