The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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