it's too hot outside to masturbate.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i came on her dog
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
