I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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