I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
