remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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