This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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