My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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