Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
