we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
