I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Where is the hickey?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
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I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
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U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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