I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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