I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
