Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
