I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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