So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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