mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
