Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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