why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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