Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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