can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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