I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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