jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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