I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
