i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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