is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
