I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
