I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I need to calm my uterus...
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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