can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
