I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Someone came in the potted fern
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
