what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
