the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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