I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Are we still banned from the library?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Im part way to drunk.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
