So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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