conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
